Wine for Makin' Whoopee...

"When are you going to write about wine and sex?"

I got this question from my friend R.D. a couple of months ago, and I've been at a bit of a loss. However, considering spring has finally sprung and this is the Vine's 69^th entry, it seems fitting.

Disclaimer: The information following should, in no way, be considered a guarantee of sexual satisfaction. However, if any readers, male or female, get lucky as a result of the advice contained herein, I expect thanks. Only readers healthy enough for sexual activity should continue reading from this point. The following is not an endorsement of random, drunken hookups -- you're better off with bourbon or tequila in that event, anyway. Do not operate a motor vehicle immediately after reading this column, drinking a bottle of any of these wines, or after having sex. Your partner will think you're rude.

Where to begin? Wine and sex have a long, long history. My patron deity, Bacchus, was devoted to wine and pleasure. Omar Khayyam wrote the Rubaiyat as an ode to love, life, wine, and his beloved. More than any other libation, wine is historically associated with romance, with sensuality, and good ol' gettin' it on. Wine is a delicious tone-setter and completer of ambience. If you're trying to create a conducive atmosphere, adding wine can only help.

Sex and wine are very personal. Every person has a different experience each time and everyone likes certain flavors better than others. And when you share with someone who has similar passions and tastes...well...the possibilities are practically limitless. For the sake of time, space, and the desire to actually try these out...I'll just forward a couple of potentials for potential coupling...

The Picnic -- A park, a secluded shade tree, a blanket, some food, and -- of course -- a bottle of wine. This setting calls for a selection that both brings happiness and goes well with whatever you've stashed in the basket for the prelude. You're going to want to go with something relatively simple to set up and easy to eat. Perhaps a Mediterranean board of some kind -- olives, pita chips, hummus, feta...you get the idea. Alongside, I might recommend a sparkling wine. Bubbles are always arousing. I recently tried the Zardetto Prosecco Brut ($12-15) with some similar selections. This Prosecco is fairly dry and has a pleasant, slightly yeasty character. The finish was a little fruity, quite crisp, and complimented the foods very well. You'll have to supply the witty conversation thereafter on your own.

The Dinner -- Whether you're dining out or putting something together in the kitchen, you're going to want a wine sultry enough to amplify the mood, yet flexible enough to go with whatever you're ordering or plating up. One wine quickly steps to the fore. Pinot noir. You can't go wrong with decent pinot, whether it's a traditional Burgundy or an offering from California or the Pacific Northwest. The Concannon 2005 Limited Release Pinot Noir ($13-15) from California's central coast was a delicious wine. Cherries and berries on the nose, followed by a fruity, smoky body and a finish of vanilla and smoke. It would be a very flexible food wine -- especially if you were thinking something roasted -- whether it's duck, pork, or vegetables.

The Dessert -- Dinner's over and you're lingering. The meal and conversation have gone well, signs are pointing to "yes," and you've got something in front of you that's some version of chocolate. If there's no chocolate, stop. Back up. You've chosen incorrectly. You MUST have chocolate at this stage. Its powers as an aphrodisiac are unmatched. Port pairs particularly well with chocolate, especially dark chocolate. Sandeman's Founder's Reserve Porto ($9-11 for a 375 ml bottle) slides in easily next to such a dessert. Don't waste your time with little port glasses. Be decadent. Pour it into larger wine glasses so you can swirl and enjoy the lush fruity aromas. The nose is strong with deep dark berry and grape scents. The body is rich and full, and the sweetness balances the delicious bitterness of dark chocolate for a sensually intertwined finish.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go find the Sweet Partner in Crime...and some dark chocolate...