Fifty Shades of Grey Wines

It’s the “literally” that got me.

I was shopping for Riesling the other day. In the wine store I frequent, the Rieslings are shelved next to the American white blends, and my attention was snagged by a “Fifty Shades of Grey” label.

I’m sure you’re at least aware of the “Fifty Shades” books by E.L. James. This trilogy of beach-ready…I guess you’d call it “BDSM-lite erotica” was all the rage a couple of years ago amongst some broad swaths of the population. I was not covered by one of those swaths, and those books had receded from my mind except for a brief conversation with a co-worker disappointed because Charlie Hunnam was no longer playing Christian Grey in the upcoming film adaptations of the books, with the first due in theaters around Valentine’s Day. 

According to the website, the wines are designed by James herself. The bottles and corks both bear the slogan “You. Are. Mine.” – a sentiment somewhat central to the trilogy’s ostensible plot. I discovered a passage in the novel centering on the protagonist, Anastasia Steele, receiving a punishment if she spilled wine. That particular passage begins like this:

”He reaches down, and from his pants pocket, he takes out his silver grey silk tie… that silver grey woven tie that leaves small impressions of its weave on my skin. He moves so quickly, sitting astride me as he fastens my wrists together, but this time, he ties the other end of the tie to one of the spokes of my white iron headboard. He pulls at my binding, checking it’s secure. I’m not going anywhere. I’m tied, literally, to my bed, and I’m so aroused.”

The recovering English major in me thought, "Gah! What’s that word doing there? How else would she be tied to her bed? Figuratively? Tangentially? Is Anastasia Steele somehow related to Chris Traeger, Rob Lowe’s character on Parks & Recreation?"

The scene goes on from there, eventually arriving at Anastasia’s proclamation of herself as “just one ball of sexual, tense, need.” Anais Nin or D.H. Lawrence this isn’t. Heck, from my perspective, it’s barely Cinemax.

But I digress. We’re not here to discuss the ins and outs of Anastasia and Christian’s adventures. We’re here to talk about what’s under the cork. There are two Fifty Shades wines created by ol’ E.L. herself – a red and a white, both blends. 

The first I tried was the White Silk White. White Silk is a mischievous little blend of Gewurztraminer and Sauvignon Blanc. I found it intensely floral and tropical on the nose – strong enough that the bouquet comes through right out of the fridge like a chilled, overripe lychee nut. (An overly-cold wine usually loses much of its bouquet.) The main flavors are the tropical fruits – pineapple especially – from the Sauvignon Blanc. The finish is slightly sweet and lasting. There’s also just a little sting of pepper at the end from the Gewurz. I found it relatively decent. On the website, it lists for $18, but the retail in my wine shop was $16.

Next came the Red Satin Red. “What would I do,” I mused, “If I were trying to appeal to fans of these books who often, in my experience, start oenological conversations with ‘I don’t like dry red wine.’ What sorts of sensual stimulations would I layer to tease, to tempt, to make them raise that scarlet-filled glass, hesitantly of course, to their lips? What would E.L. James do? I think I’d make a wine that smelled like dark, sumptuous red fruit – cherries and plums. I’d need some chocolate flavors, but there definitely can’t be a lot of tannin. The wine would need to go down as easily as one of Christian’s concubines and finish with just a little dryness to make it a little naughty to a palate not used to tannin. In short, a straightforward inexpensive California merlot.” 

When I cracked the bottle, I discovered that the wine reflected my little tasting note fantasy to a T. However, instead of merlot, the Red Satin is a “blend of primarily Petit Sirah and Syrah.” 

“Primarily,” of course, can mean a lot of things. In this case, they’ve taken two intensely flavored grapes and blended them with some unnamed varietals to tone them down. The Red Satin is a perfectly drinkable wine, but overpriced at $18. If you’re looking for a wine that begs for chocolate and a trashy novel, I’d still suggest that sluggable merlot for about $7-8 less.

As I was trying to get the Fifty Shades wines out of the store without drawing too much attention, I also noticed few other bottles with entendre-laden monikers, which I also snagged -- for comparison’s sake, of course:

PromisQous (NV) California White Table Wine – This white is a blend of primarily Chardonnay, Chenin Blanc, Gewurztraminer, with a few “other white varietals.” It’s crafted with the same flavor idea as the White Silk – Gewurztraminer provides strong floral notes and lychee flavors, but since it’s a chardonnay-based blend instead of sauvignon blanc, it’s got more creaminess and the flavors run closer to melon than citrus. There’s a little acidic zip from some added chenin blanc balancing the residual sweetness. I thought it was another easy drinking wine, but with a little more structure and backbone than the Fifty Shades. It’s also a few dollars cheaper at $10-12.

Now, its darker complement, the PromisQous (NV) California Red Table Wine, did not fare so well. Simply, this was a $9 red wine that tastes like…well…a $9 red wine. Honestly, there’s nothing really outstanding to distinguish this plonky plonk plonk. One of my friends in the wine biz describes wines like this as “pop tart wines,” meaning it’s more or less indistinguishable from other similar, inexpensive wines -- the way you can't really tell a flavor difference between the various types of Pop-Tarts. I wouldn’t suggest spending your shekels on something so generic.

Folie a Deux (NV) “Menage a Trois” White Wine – This naughty sounding number is another floral-scented blend, this one a mix of Chardonnay, Moscato, and Chenin Blanc. This simple quaffer is lighter-bodied than both of the other whites. I found some good flavors of melon and peach on the palate, with a very light, tangeriney finish. Of the three whites, I think this one was probably my favorite, because it didn’t have that residual sugar “thickness” and  was a little more harmonious and restrained (since we’re focused on restraints) than the other two. Good value at around $10.

As for the Folie a Deux (NV) Menage a Trois Red, the best I can say is that it wasn’t quite as plonky as the PromisQous. There was a hint of vanilla lurking somewhere in the mix and a wee bit of tannin at the end. Another $9-10 entry. Take it for what it’s worth…literally.

P.S. This remains my favorite interpretation of the novels. And yes, NSFW:

Fraud, Wine, Porn, Cash.

Some of you may remember the piece I wrote a bit ago about the wines of adult film actress Savanna Samson. Savanna was goodly enough to give me a chance to interview her. I didn't, however, find her wines particularly good -- which put me at odds with Robert Parker. Parker's 90+ score on her first wine gave her instant street cred in the wine world.

Fast forward a bit. Vine reader (and Phi Kappa Sigma fraternity brother) Nate L. forwarded me this article from Slate about the sale of high-end counterfeit wine. This article intertwines with the central story in the excellent read "The Billionaire's Vinegar." (This is a must read for wine aficionados and history buffs alike.)

In any case, one of the first names in the article is Daniel Oliveros, which sounded very familiar to me for some reason. I should have known it immediately -- but that's Savanna Samson's husband (her married name is Natalie Oliveros), and this little conspiratorial exercise in selling fake wine involved not only Oliveros, but Parker as well.

I don't want to cast too many aspersions here -- and I don't want to engage to fully in the sort of guilt-by-association stuff that so many other folks use as "journalism," but I've learned enough to know that the world of high wine Illuminati is a very small one.

Savanna's wine was an Italian red. According to her, Parker was tasting Chateauneuf-de-Pape at the time and happened to agree to give Savanna's wine a taste while he was in the midst of going through that spread. It seems quite the lucky coincidence that Savanna a) was able to squeeze her wine into this tasting, even though it was unrelated and b) that she just happened to be in the same place to garner such high praise from Parker.

I've got no problem with someone using his or her connections. This is a world of shameless self-promotion, after all -- but, at least in my mind, this calls into question a lot of the "objectivity" of the folks who move the wine world with a swirl of a glass.

Wine for Makin' Whoopee...

"When are you going to write about wine and sex?"

I got this question from my friend R.D. a couple of months ago, and I've been at a bit of a loss. However, considering spring has finally sprung and this is the Vine's 69^th entry, it seems fitting.

Disclaimer: The information following should, in no way, be considered a guarantee of sexual satisfaction. However, if any readers, male or female, get lucky as a result of the advice contained herein, I expect thanks. Only readers healthy enough for sexual activity should continue reading from this point. The following is not an endorsement of random, drunken hookups -- you're better off with bourbon or tequila in that event, anyway. Do not operate a motor vehicle immediately after reading this column, drinking a bottle of any of these wines, or after having sex. Your partner will think you're rude.

Where to begin? Wine and sex have a long, long history. My patron deity, Bacchus, was devoted to wine and pleasure. Omar Khayyam wrote the Rubaiyat as an ode to love, life, wine, and his beloved. More than any other libation, wine is historically associated with romance, with sensuality, and good ol' gettin' it on. Wine is a delicious tone-setter and completer of ambience. If you're trying to create a conducive atmosphere, adding wine can only help.

Sex and wine are very personal. Every person has a different experience each time and everyone likes certain flavors better than others. And when you share with someone who has similar passions and tastes...well...the possibilities are practically limitless. For the sake of time, space, and the desire to actually try these out...I'll just forward a couple of potentials for potential coupling...

The Picnic -- A park, a secluded shade tree, a blanket, some food, and -- of course -- a bottle of wine. This setting calls for a selection that both brings happiness and goes well with whatever you've stashed in the basket for the prelude. You're going to want to go with something relatively simple to set up and easy to eat. Perhaps a Mediterranean board of some kind -- olives, pita chips, hummus, feta...you get the idea. Alongside, I might recommend a sparkling wine. Bubbles are always arousing. I recently tried the Zardetto Prosecco Brut ($12-15) with some similar selections. This Prosecco is fairly dry and has a pleasant, slightly yeasty character. The finish was a little fruity, quite crisp, and complimented the foods very well. You'll have to supply the witty conversation thereafter on your own.

The Dinner -- Whether you're dining out or putting something together in the kitchen, you're going to want a wine sultry enough to amplify the mood, yet flexible enough to go with whatever you're ordering or plating up. One wine quickly steps to the fore. Pinot noir. You can't go wrong with decent pinot, whether it's a traditional Burgundy or an offering from California or the Pacific Northwest. The Concannon 2005 Limited Release Pinot Noir ($13-15) from California's central coast was a delicious wine. Cherries and berries on the nose, followed by a fruity, smoky body and a finish of vanilla and smoke. It would be a very flexible food wine -- especially if you were thinking something roasted -- whether it's duck, pork, or vegetables.

The Dessert -- Dinner's over and you're lingering. The meal and conversation have gone well, signs are pointing to "yes," and you've got something in front of you that's some version of chocolate. If there's no chocolate, stop. Back up. You've chosen incorrectly. You MUST have chocolate at this stage. Its powers as an aphrodisiac are unmatched. Port pairs particularly well with chocolate, especially dark chocolate. Sandeman's Founder's Reserve Porto ($9-11 for a 375 ml bottle) slides in easily next to such a dessert. Don't waste your time with little port glasses. Be decadent. Pour it into larger wine glasses so you can swirl and enjoy the lush fruity aromas. The nose is strong with deep dark berry and grape scents. The body is rich and full, and the sweetness balances the delicious bitterness of dark chocolate for a sensually intertwined finish.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go find the Sweet Partner in Crime...and some dark chocolate...